Real

I'm in a blogging predicament.

I'm afraid of whining - or of being perceived as a whiner. This blogging thing is a great outlet for me. I've loved to journal all my life. But I love (and miss) the freedom I have when I can write my heart out without any thought whatsoever as to what negative reactions or perceptions might be experienced by my friends/readers/lurkers/whatever.

It's easy to blog when something crazy happens or when I've had a brief moment of clarity or inspiration. But I'm in a rather stressful season of life these last few months. There are many days that I want to blog, but find that someway or another, something of my stress will probably come out in my writing. And I'm scared.

One reason is that "Oh-you-poor-dear-you'll-get-it-together-one-of-these-days-just-hold-on-'till-Jesus-comes" reactions embarrass me and make me feel incompetent. But there is something inside of me that fights to be free of those insecurities and be real. Blogs of friends like this one who share the truth of where they are in a way that makes us all sigh and smile or cry and say..."I'm not the only one. We're all more alike than we let on. It's okay to not be perfect. She understands and won't judge me."

I've been deeply hurt by gossip and not being able to correct other's conceptions of myself. (Not looking for sympathy....just telling you my story.) And I'm struggling to be bigger than those hurts and be real. Realness is one of the things that makes me really feel proud to be me. (There's a sentence for you.) But I'm so afraid that ME will not be accepted.

This has turned into a little more than I had expected. I wanted to say that I'm majorly stressed out and arguing with my husband and my house is a mess and my kids are....there are no words to describe my children right now. But I also want to be able to defend myself and say that I do some things really right, too. I know I do. But all of the things I'm not doing so whoopy at right now are making me feel buried. And I KNOW that you understand and I know that you've been there. And I have a sneakin' suspicion that those who criticize just feel all of this more deeply than they know how - or are free -to admit.

So there's the real me for tonight.